During this period between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, many go around and not only try to work on their mitzvos between them and Hashem, but also between them and others. Many, for example, call up friends and ask for forgiveness for things that they might have said or done that have hurt them. My wife, who is clearly on a very high spiritual level, did some deep thinking to see what she could have done to her friends that might have caused them pain. It took her a while, but then she realized there was one underlying issue that probably caused considerable pain to others.
So, she began to call her friends to ask for their forgiveness. She realized that she is so perfect, and her relationship with her husband is so perfect, and all of her children are so perfect, that this perfection most certainly caused others pain when they compared their miserable existence to hers.
It's nice when you receive signs that you married the right person.
Now, I don't remember if I spoke about this in the past. If I did … well, too bad.
Rav Reuven Leuchter gives some excellent, and off-the-beaten-path advice on how to successfully do teshuva. Unfortunately, I have to super-duper condense what he says, but the advice is applicable across the board and based on the teachings of Rav Yisroel Salant.
The Gemara (Menachos 29b) writes:
"Why was this world created with the letter 'hei'? Because a hei resembles a pavilion [it is open at the bottom], in order that anyone who wants to leave, can leave. And what is the reason the left leg of the hei is suspended [a space is left between the leg and the roof]? So that if he returns in teshuva they can bring him back through that upper opening. But let them bring him back through the same, lower opening [which he left]? This will not happen … If one comes to purify himself, he is given assistance from Above. But if one comes to defile himself, an opening is provided for him."
So, "simply put"….
Anybody here try dieting? Yeah, it's not fun. Not easy. And most likely, not successful. Why? You're waging a frontal assault against basic human needs and cravings. And as any general will tell you, a frontal assault against a well-entrenched enemy will get you dead.
This is why when somebody wants to do teshuva, he cannot return through the same opening from which he left. He will be fighting a battle that he is destined to lose. Therefore, he needs to go around and strike from above, in the upper opening of the hei.
But what exactly does that mean?
[Again, I'm super condensing this.]
Our spiritual nature is composed of three parts. The highest level is the neshama. It deals with thought. Next is the ruach, which deals with speech. Learning Torah and davening, falls into this area. The next, and lowest, is the nefesh, which deals with action.
As we mentioned, we cannot do teshuva on the same level as the aveira. We need to "strike from above." So, if we do an aveira on the nefesh level, which most (if not all?) of our avreiros are done, we need to do teshuva via the ruach level, via learning Torah and davening. When we correct or strengthen the ruach, the lower level, the nefesh will be affected.
Simply put, instead of attacking a behavior with an "anti-behavior," we should work on the higher will which controls that behavior.
For example, let's say somebody has a problem with eating. He either can't control himself when he eats, he doesn't say brachos or doesn't say them properly. Instead of trying to control that behavior, which barely works, attack from a different end. Take time out and learn the laws of brachos. Learn about the importance of brachos (both before and after eating). Learn the power of what they do and why we say them. Learn about the importance of keeping control over one's desires.
By learning about the importance, the laws, and the effects of brachos (for example), over time, and possibly a short time, it will affect your behavior.
Don't focus on the behavior, that's where the enemy is waiting for you. Instead, focus on the will that controls the behavior. It's much easier to do, to maintain, and in the end, it will trickle down and affect the behavior itself.
We have always thought, "All I need to do is change my behavior, and then my teshuva is complete." And we think that every single year, because every single year we fail with this very "simple" goal.
But this year we have a wonderful suggestion from Rav Leuchter.
Don't focus on the behavior. Focus on the will. It's much easier to do, and will have a longer lasting impact on your life.
Have an easy and meaningful Yom Kippur.